My best friend and I had a falling out a few years ago, but for my life, I can’t remember what it was about.
I was in seminary studying for the priesthood when I met the guy who would become my best friend to this day. We were hanging out with others at another friend’s house when the infamous fight broke out. Voices were raised, tempers flared, and feelings were hurt. At some point, though, my friend looked at me and said, “Marcus, I hear you. I don’t understand, but I want to.” The temperature changed almost immediately. We talked. I probably cried. We hugged. We found a new appreciation for one another.
At that moment, I learned a piece of wisdom I still hold close to me in times of conflict: you can be right or be in a relationship. Whatever we were fighting about, I focused more on being right and fiercely defending my position. My friend, noting the damage this argument was causing our friendship, demonstrated that he’d rather be in a relationship by surrendering his position and moving closer to me.
Rumi, a renowned Persian mystic and poet, once wrote this poem:
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about…
This poem has more lines, but you get the point. A whole new world opens for us when we move beyond defending ourselves or judging others. Give it a try. The next time you encounter a significant relationship conflict, try surrendering your position and moving closer. You may lose your ego, but you’ll gain so much more.
