"Nomar is the Greatest"

by: "Julie Guilbert"

As the millions and millions of faithful Guilbites know, I'm a big Red Sox fan. Not only am I a Red Sox fan, I'm an ass fan as well. And while I would be perfectly content to soak in the perfection that is Chris Hunt's marvelous, godly physique, I have found a butt that had caught my eye. This particular posterior happens to belong to Nomar Garciaparra, the shortstop for the Beantown Red Stockings, who happen to be my favorite team! Now, I'm no baseball expert, but I would think that the rump plays a significant part in a person's athletic ability, and as such Nomar has a leg up on the competiton, if you know what I mean. And he has this sort of strange voodoo magic ritual that he performs every time he steps into the batter's box, and if you have the power of voodoo you've got half the game right there. So, in conclusion, Nomar's ass rules! I love you Nomar!

"Stop Stalking Me"

by: "Nomar"

Miss Guilbert, this is really getting absurd. I must beg of you that out of respect for myself, the Boston Red Sox and humanity in general that you stop stalking me. It really makes me scared when you cut out pictures of me from newspapers and magazines and send them to me. Especially since all you cut out is my ass. I mean really, who does that anyway? And let's not even talk about the video collage. I've never felt so dirty. I am a professional athlete, not some cheap gigelo down at your local Chippendales. I deserve respect and dignity, not millions of ass-clippings! I was the starting shortstop in the All-Star game, for God's sake! And who is this Chris Hunt guy you keep comparing me to? I don't want some totally buff, built Chris guy to come after me when I least expect it. I don't know how you got my home telephone number either, but it must be illegal. I suggest you pick another player instead to lavish your affections upon. Troy Brown has always seemed like a real ladies man, and Pedro Martinez one of the nicest asses I have ever seen. Much much better than mine, I'm sure. So please, I ask you one more time, stop stalking my ass.