Movie Manners

In the modern world, the motion picture, or movie, has become a sort of a cross between television and the stage. While it was once treated by its audience with the same respect as a play, it has been twisted by the badly behaved into a public living room. This is a tragedy to me. I often ask myself what happened to the good old days, when people came to the movie theater to be entertained, and I'm only 18. Perhaps I just didn't notice the offensive swine back then; perhaps the image on the screen was still able to enthrall me enough to ignore the snide comments provided by my sophomoric theater-mates. Either way, it is still criminal. Of course the only way I can re-educate you unwashed heathens is to define for you what poor movie etiquette is.

Poor movie etiquette starts with, but is in no way limited to, conversation during the film. When one does not have the ability to rewind and replay a missed line, the idle chatter of surrounding morons has a very destructive effect on the dedicated, or good, movie-goers. These conversations can range from the obnoxious boyfriend ("You okay, baby? You wanna take off your jacket? You want something to drink?") to the unruly child ("Hey mister, my parents did a horrible job of raising me and that's why I am shouting during the very emotional climax of this movie that I am really too young to appreciate anyway, but my parents, who, as I mentioned before should not have been entrusted with the duty of teaching me such things as respect for others, are too cheap to get a babysitter.") to the grating 100-decibel old person whisper ("What did he say!?!?!" "What!?!" "I said what did he say!?!?" "What!?!?!"). None of these are acceptable. There is no excuse for poor parenting, hearing aid technology has progressed to a very advanced yet affordable state, and as for the obnoxious boyfriend, well, you should know better than to take him out in public.

Just as bad are the aspiring comedians who desperately want to brighten everyone's evening with their clever remarks about the movie. I would like to heavily stress the point that unless you are actually on the screen, it is highly unlikely that the people filling the theater have paid $7.25 to see you. By the way, you are not funny. No. I don't care what you think. I don't care what your friends tell you, they're just being nice. Your ingenious quips add nothing to the movie. They piss people off. Write this down, it's important.

While I'm on the subject, I must provide a warning to the armchair detectives out there. No one, and I mean no one, is impressed that you can successfully predict an upcoming plot point. The screenwriting of Hollywood has become so predictable that a brain-damaged sheep could figure it out. Agatha Christie and Arthur Conan Doyle are dead; the well dressed man with the sneer and the sinister moustache is the bad guy. Everyone else knows this. And if they don't, they do not want you to tell them.

Now, you people that sit in the back shouting out the lines of the movie: explain to me why you want everyone to know that you were stupid enough to pay the outrageous prices for tickets so many times that you have memorized the dialogue? Does that really make sense to you?

Oh, yes, and as for the smart-ass at Star Wars with the laser pointer: You are an idiot. Why, in God's name, do you think that people will consider you clever for shooting a red dot on the screen with a vastly over-priced toy from Hammacher-Schlemmer? Were you dropped on your head as an infant? Were you raised by wolves in the wilds of Canada? I can find no other reasonable explanation for your complete lack of consideration for others.