Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

-your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
-he paints flames and puts an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
-after jacking them up by putting hockey pucks under the pylon supports
-you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
-you have TWO shuttles named "Billy Joe Bob"
-he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
-he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
-he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
-he installs a set of bullhorns on the saucer section
-and a chrome roll bar and some KC Hilites
-and a winch
-he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
-has a "Pig Slop" program for the Holodeck
-and it's his favoriate
-he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
-he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
-and he bends over to talk into it
-he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
-he keeps livestock in Cargo Bay 3
-and in his quarters
-and gives them tours of the Bridge
-he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
-he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
-and he sleeps with it
-he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
-he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
-he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
-he paints the starship John Deere green
-he hangs Odor Trees in all the turbolifts
-he pokes holes in the Warp Core so it makes louder "whoosh" noises
-he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
-he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
-he turns the aquarium in his ready room into a still
-and his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
-he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
-during battle stiuations
-he installs a mechanical bull in the Rec Area
-his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
-he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
-his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
-he sets phaser to "Cajun"

---

---

© Trincoll Journal, 1996.