Post College Existence

Diary of Pat Buchannan's Crack Smokin' Welfare Cheatin' Love Child With Barbara Mandrell,

or, the skinny from the front line of post-college existence...

By T. Norm Elia

Guest Writer

ell, well, well, you're a senior and about to graduate in...what?...two months or so? If that's the demographic you fit into nowadaze, I think my lil' diatribe might be of some interest to you. If you've already graduated, you'll know what I'm spilling.
How you doin' people, this would be your friendly neighborhood and graduated (May '95) Normanator comin' atcha'. I bring no superpowers, just some insight into what you soon to be departed academic full-timers will have thrust in your face - i.e. life after college.
Yes, yes, yes, life after college. Some might be scared, some might be thrilled, but like a cell you all gotta' split. But here's some advice and pointers, so bend an ear...
First thangs first - get a job. Period. I mean, schooling is over. Sure you might go back in a few years for your masters, etc. but the fact is you're gonna' need a job for now, for many reasons. Whatever you do, don't freak if you don't have one right away or even not right away - you've got to think of jobs as a class you want to get into badly, but sometimes all the spots are filled. Anyway, the sooner you get a job the better you'll feel - I shit you negatory - it equals money paddin' your pockets and there is a sense of pride involved ("Hey somebody actually thinks I'm capable of something and they're gonna' pay me.") Plus, all your friends'll be workin', so you might as well get a job - or get used to a lot of solitaire, shadow boxing, long walks and talk shows for the better part of the day.
But anyway, the last thing you're gonna' want to do is run to the next step of schooling without first wetting your feet in the real world. Yes, I said "the real world." I don't mean to hurt any feelings, but please don't confuse college and the real world ever again. To put it bluntly - book smarts might tell you what rain is, but experience tells you to step inside when it's raining. Life might get better than college, but it'll never get easier.
Awright, awright, enough with the philosophical one liners...so let's say you've got yourself a job. Hopefully you're not a suit, but, hey, shit happens, right? Anyway, let me give you the quick skinny on work - look at a job as the class you could never cut and the teacher could keep you as long as they see fit. Got that? Pretty simple. They'll give you money, and you'll give them a certain percentage of your life - the best percentage, to some - roughly eight to ten hours a day. (Hey you workin' people stop laughin', I'm tryin' to be easy on them, don't want to freak them out too bad.) Where was I...oh yeah, you know, the "day" - when it's, like, sunny out and it's nice and places are open. Yeah, now you got it - well that's what you give them. In return you get the night - when the bars are open, happy hours are scheduled for way more than an hour, and most of humanity sleeps.
As far as living goes, if you are able to live at home for a short spell take advantage. It'll be a while before you'll get a full-fridge AND rent-free life. Whenever you do fly the coop, though, make sure you move where you want to the FIRST time. This goes when both choosing a city and a location within a city. Don't think of moving as a way to get your "foot into the door" of a geographical location - it's more like getting your foot wedged in one of them bear traps. Post-college moving isn't like moving during college - it costs a lot more than an afternoon and a case of Bud with some buds.
To move on, the post college relationship is like any other relationship - it comes down to the people and the circumstances. I will say that post college life is more traumatic for some than others. Some freak out and want to be alone, because they can't deal with their shit, let alone someone else's. Others need a significant other as a source of stability in the initial uncertainty of life after college. And some just keep on keepin' on, like nothin's changed.
After you graduate, friendships, as well as relationships, will be tested more than Radon in New Jersey. It's one thing to be Sammy Social when you're surrounded by your friends and there's only a few hours of your day eaten up by a class or two (most of which you take with your friends). It's quite another to juggle the whole scenario when you're workin' five days/40 hours a week at the minimum, and you're all separated by miles, if not cities. To put it in a nutshell, some will grow, some will go.
Well look, I'm about to wind down and let this pup go. If you've graduated already, I'd be interested on your impressions of the life after college thang. And if you haven't graduated, enjoy college, but don't shrink away from the life after it - it's the craziest damn ride you'll ever saddle up for. And with that, pardner, I'm out...
Norm is a managing editor of the professional safari guide. You can check up on his weekly ramblings in his 'Zine, Crisp. -Ed.