Women I Would Sleep With

By David Bright

Copy Editor

t is a myth that the main factor in determing sexual attractiveness is looks. While it is often the primary factor, there are many other factors at work. Aside from love, sometimes other things help make someone more attractive, such as money, power or revenge. Quite often, what men most desire is not sex itself, but the ability to brag about it afterwards. To help illustrate these principles, I'll show you some examples of women I'd sleep with.

Hillary Clinton- Not so much because I have any particular desire to sleep with her, it just would be fun to do it in the president's bed, and, as far as I know, that would be the most feasible way for that to happen.

Jenny McCarthy- Obviously, I'm not alone on this one, but what a lot of people don't point out is that she often acts bitchy, or at the very least annoying. I am only pointing those things out because it makes her more attractive. The more annoying she'd get, the more it would turn me on. The truth is I would have sex with her even if there was a fifty percent chance of there being a live rat inside her waiting to gnaw on me upon penetration.

Roseanne- This is a controversial pick here, but all I can say is she's really famous. Doing the deed wouldn't be much fun, but she is famous, and no matter how disgusting she may be, I don't get many opportunities to sleep with famous people, so I probably would jump at the chance. Besides, after all the time she spent with Tom Arnold, I bet I would just rock her world.

Any news anchorwoman- Most news women are good looking, but in a really plastic, unsexy way. Seeing them on TV, they seem so cold and serious. Are they like that all the time? Only one way to find out.

Kim Fields, a.k.a. Tutti from The Facts of Life- I loved that show when I was younger. As the years went by Tutti stopped roller-skating through the kitchen while Mrs. Garrett was cooking, and her braces came off. It was quite amazing watching her grow up before my eyes. Now she's on the Fox sitcom Living Single. I would watch the show, but any pleasure I'd get from seeing Kim Fields would be offset by having to look at Queen Latifah.

Courtney Love- Two things about her appeal to me: 1) She seems like a skanky slut, but she's rich enough to afford good medical care. Best of both worlds. 2) She slept with Kurt Cobain. A lot. As a big admirer of Kurt Cobain's talents, I would love to do it with someone who did it with him, because, frankly, his corpse is not a viable option.

This concept of touching greatness by sleeping with someone who slept with someone I admire doesn't apply to everyone. John Lennon, arguably the greatest songwriter of the rock era, was a great person, but that doesn't mean I could ever let myself have sex with Yoko Ono. On the contrary, the very thought of it makes me want to vomit.

All cover models for 2 Live Crew album covers (except for the woman on the cover of Move Sumthin')- It's always been a dream of mine to chill in a hot tub full of some bitches with big booties. Of course, I'd wear three fat 24 karat gold chains, a baseball cap and a beeper in the hot tub, and maybe some of the bitches would let me pour champagne all over them.

All the women from Three's Company- Of course, I'd have to do all of them (including the woman who replaced Suzanne Somers and the women who replaced her) at once. I'd also like to have John Ritter strapped into a chair in the corner of the room, and force him to watch the whole thing.