t's hard for me to see why anyone would call the years one spends in high school as anything but hellish, awkward, and forgettable. Am I the only one? It might just be that not enough years have passed for me to see those high school days in a favorable light, to be able to appreciate the glorious days of my youth (after all, I still am in those glorious days of youth).

What I remember about being in high school is feeling like it was of the utmost importance that I establish secure friendships with the girls in my class. I remember being the new girl in my school, and I remember the one person in my new school that I had known beforehand acting as if she only barely knew me when she saw me. I am obviously writing about the particular incidents of my life, but I doubt that I am the only one who went through high school with a nagging worry about having friends.

Now, when I talk to people that I have met at college, or on summer jobs, it always surprises me how many people felt the same way that I did. People who now seem to me to be confident and outgoing tell me that they also felt like big geeks in high school. So why did it seem like I was the only one when I was going through it? When people admit to their own insecurities in their teenage years, I often assume they are exagerrating their cases-- but then, why would they? People who claim to have felt that alienated in high school probably did honestly feel that alienated. Even if I could take an objective look at their lives and judge for myself that they seemed to have plenty going for them, it doesn't change the fact that they did feel a certain way about themselves at that time. Also, how do I know that someone wouldn't look at my life and not realize that I felt like I did?

Of my high school class, I have only kept in touch with one person on a regular basis. Having kept in touch fairly regularly, I have been able to shake the negative connotations of high school whenever I see her or talk to her. In other words, we have created enough memories outside of high school that we have more in common now than just the fact that we went to the same high school. Most of the other people in my class, on the other hand, still exist for me only the way I remember them to be in high school. If I see people on the street that I haven't seen since graduation, I always expect them to have the same exact mannerisms, the same exact personality that they had when I last saw them. If I really gave any logical thought to this idea, or rather if I was capable of thinking logically about these people, I would be able to look at myself as an example of the silliness of this idea. I mean I'd like to think that I have changed since then, and if I have, then my classmates probably have too.

Recently, through the wonder of e-mail, I was able to get in touch with a girl that I was friendly with in high school. It has been great to see what she's up to these days, and we have started to write back and forth every few days. Still, in some ways I feel like the situation would be entirely different if we were to get together in person. The habit of insecurity and sensitivity to others' responses to me might not have died completely, and I can truly see myself feeling uncomfortable about trying to be myself with someone who only really knew me then. The funny thing is that even though I know now that so much of my problems with high school was just me being way too insecure, I still find myself holding it against other people that my greatness was never recognized (I'm kidding about that greatness part, but you get the idea). I still resent the people that I perceived to be confident and outgoing, simply for the fact that I was not one of them.

I think that this lingering icky high school feeling will always be in me to some extent, but I do hope that I can separate the insecurity part from the actual high school experience enough to appreciate what high school was really like. Right now, I associate most of my high school experience with the way my personality was at the time, rather than remembering any of the good things about it.

Our fifth year reunion is approaching, and I guess I am curious to see what people are doing with their lives these days. I just wish that I could satisfy my curiosity without actually having to show up.

© Trincoll Journal, 1995.