Were the Saboteurs Present at Your Holiday Feast?

By Eric Lavigne

Staff Writer

y family is the epitome of the American dysfunctional family. Every holiday is a disaster. One of the relatives always spoils the festive occasion. In fact it normally isn't just one of the relatives but usually a collaboration of saboteurs. On this Thanksgiving, at my house, the ringleader of saboteurs was present.
Here we are, Thanksgiving, the first holiday of the oh-so-cherished holiday season. Thanksgiving starts early at my house. Mom gets up first (about fourish) to pop the old bird into the oven so it is done by two or three o'clock. Yeah, we get those really big birds, so come St. Patrick's day we are still eating turkey soup. In fact, my crazy mother went out and bought a turkey that weighed in at a hefty twenty-six pounds. I asked her if she thought it was a bit much for eight people, considering we had a massive amount of vegetables to look forward to and a heaping supply of desserts. She just smiled as she pulled the gizzards out of the turkey's ass (yummy!)
I showed up Wednesday afternoon with Leah. Leah lives in London so a trip home for Thanksgiving is hardly practical considering Thanksgiving isn't too popular in England. We arrived at my house around two o'clock. My mom greeted us and put us straight to work. Our job was to bake a German chocolate cake. It didn't sound too difficult so we began to get the ingredients together. There seemed to be an infinite amount of ingredients for this cake. I never knew buttermilk smelled so terrible. When we were all set with the ingredients we started to make the cake. Leah and I spent about two and a half hours mixing that cake; the batter tasted fantastic. We poured the mix into two cake pans and popped them into the oven, which had been preheated to a toasty 350 degrees. I began making the frosting for the cake. It started to burn so I quickly removed the pan from the burner and decided it was done. The cake was supposed to be ready in thirty minutes. My mom inspected it and decided that it needed a "few more minutes."
We removed the cake about two or three minutes later after I had mentioned I began to smell a burning smell. So the cake was done too. Once it had cooled we attempted to remove the cake from the pans. This is after about three hours of work. Needless to say the cake didn't want to be extracted from its snuggly fit pan. As we pried the cake from the pan with a butter knife it slowly began to make its way out. The other pan was more of a problem; as we were prying the cake began to crack. Unfortunately it cracked quite a bit. We salvaged what was left by quickly frosting the two cakes together and used the remaining frosting as an adhesive to fasten the broken pieces of the cake to their corresponding places. This cake didn't really look like a cake. It looked more like a junior high school science fair project demonstrating the adhesive nature of lipids.
Thanksgiving morning was hectic. Vegetables were cooking. The turkey was roasting in the oven and my mom was constantly checking on it to make sure the damn bird was cooking correctly. Michael (my 12 year old brother) and I were setting the table with my mom's cherished Thanksgiving china and crystal. She would come running in every time she heard any sound vaguely resembling braking dishes. To our benefit Michael and I didn't break any of her prized dinnerware.
Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt Karen, and my seventeen year old brother Jeremy arrived at our house at about noon. Immediately I had to introduce Leah to the family. This was much easier then I had anticipated. But it was clear that Aunt Karen was in a bitchy mood as usual. About five minutes after she walked in Karen began to get on everyone's nerves. Leah was mixing a vegetable dip and she happened to be using lowfat sour cream as one of the ingredients. Karen noticed this and quickly said out loud so everyone could here her, "I can't eat that. Sour cream makes me sick and besides I don't eat anything that isn't fat free." We all just looked at her as if she was joking, considering she had put on a considerable amount of weight in the last couple of years. I have seen her devour four or even five pieces of pie at previous Thanksgiving feasts. Besides, who attends a Thanksgiving feast expecting to eat a fat-free meal? There is something that you must understand about my Aunt Karen. She has always had this particular genius for spoiling holidays. Her vendetta against my mom has grown stronger as the years have progressed. She never gives my mom a chance to even try and get along with her. This attitude tends to ruin every family gathering we have. I think she enjoys it.
Grandma and Grandpa were their usual selves. Old, funny, and opinionated are three words that describe them the best. As we were carving the turkey Grandpa insisted on eating about three pounds of it before we actually got it on the table. He said he was "tasting it to make sure it was safe to eat." Dinner was filled with vibrant conversation from Grandpa and Grandma. They told us all about their neighbors, the "skinheads." The "skinheads" got their nickname about ten years ago when the boys in the family shaved their heads. This nickname hasn't left them over the years. Grandpa went on a vivid description of how the fat skinhead was putting lights on his house a couple of days before. The wind was particularly gusty that day and nearly blew the poor chap off the roof of his house. The skinheads no longer have their heads shaved. In fact Grandpa insists that they are huge fans of Stephen Segal. They wear their hair in a slicked pony tail just like the acclaimed martial artist superstar. I would have personally referred to each of them as "Mr. Sensitive Pony Tail Man" but Stephen Segal works too. I guess the "skinheads" are snowmobile enthusiasts as well. Grandma told us about how they were outside working on the snowmobiles. She gave us the patented sound effects to go along with the story. Grandpa took it one step further. He was extremely graphic when he described how the fat one rode the snowmobile. Grandma and Grandpa's stories are always entertaining, although most of them are highly offensive. They are always good for a few laughs.
Aunt Karen was starting trouble again after we had finished our meal. During dinner I noticed her plate was filled with about three serving sizes of everything that was on the table. I just wanted to tell her that the gravy she was drowning her turkey in was loaded with fat, but something held me back. Anyway, after dinner we were all in the den. The TV was on and we were talking over a football game. My golden retriever, Chester, was there too. He is a very lovable puppy. In fact everyone likes him, except Aunt Karen. She would yell every time he got near her and cringe every time he even looked at her. He is very friendly and very well groomed. I don't know what her problem is. When he approached her and managed to lick her face, I couldn't help but burst out laughing. I think he knew he was annoying her. My mom apologized to Aunt Karen about the dog and then attempted to have a conversation with her, but she was frigid and responded to my mom's questions in the shortest and rudest way. Everyone was angered by Aunt Karen's lousy attitude. my Grandfather furious, as she usually does. He went off calling her every name under the sun. He really cracks me up.
Jeremy was on his best behavior this holiday. I was really surprised. We managed to get along and reminisce about previous holiday experiences when he wasn't as well-behaved. He reminded me of the year he flushed Aunt Karen's contact lenses down the toilet because he was mad at her. I don't think things have been the same between them since; it's no real loss anyway. He was probably ten or eleven when that incident took place. She never lets anyone forget about it.
The holiday was relaxing with the exception of Aunt Karen's constant whining of how she didn't want to be at our house for Thanksgiving. If she dislikes it so much I don't know why she continues to participate in family gatherings. My mom thinks it is because the food is free and it usually provides Karen with an excuse and an opportunity to stuff her face. Grandpa and Grandma were funny as usual but I can't say I wasn't glad when all of the relatives left. As Mom, Leah, and myself cleaned up after they left we talked about the events of the day. There was a great sense of relief between the three of us. We just laughed every time someone mentioned my grandparents and their stories. I don't know what I would do if my family didn't provide me with such quality entertainment during the holidays.