Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

By Elizabeth Bornheimer

Staff Writer

hey say that breaking up is hard to do, but what exactly is the procedure when the relationship you want to get out of is a friendship, not a romance?
You could resort to those empty sayings that one uses in a romantic relationship, like "It's not you, it's me. Really." But friendship is of such a different nature than romantic relationships. When something goes wrong in a romance, it is far more acceptable to end it on peaceful terms, with both parties feeling that there's no one to blame. Things just didn't work out. Naturally this is not always the case, and many romantic relationships end on a sour note. Still, how often do you see two people who have been friends reach any kind of understanding that the friendship just isn't working anymore? How likely is it that friendships can end by a peaceful parting of ways?
Think about people that you have been friends with in the past with whom you are no longer close. For me, the ends of these friendships were so gradual and subtle that there was no need to think about the change that much. Or, on a sadder note, some friendships had ended because of a disagreement which caused hurt feelings on one or both sides. I have never had to "break up" with a friend, simply because we couldn't get along anymore.
So what is the procedure if I realize that I can no longer be friends with someone, for one reason or another, and I have to explain to them my reasons for wanting to break away? I can't tell them, as I might in a romantic relationship, that it's just not the right time for me to have a friendship. In a friendship, far more than in most romantic relationships, I tend to expect a certain degree of permanence. I have come to realize, though, that friendships are just as prone to these difficulties as romantic relationships are. People are constantly changing, and just as two lovers often reach a point where they cannot see eye to eye, so can two friends. The hard part is when only one person in a friendship feels this way.
While romantic relationships can end simply because the magic is gone, the mystical element of attraction has vanished without explanation, a friendship requires a more intensive look at the personalities of those involved. One cannot just claim that the magic is gone from the friendship, for friendships tend to be based more on compatible personalities. Therefore, to approach the subject of ending a friendship means that one party has reached a point where they are finding flaws in the other's personality. And in that case, even if one was bold enough to say to someone's face, "Look, this is what I think is wrong with you...," who's to say whether the judgment is right or not? It is such a touchy issue, because unless one is totally insensitive to the other's feelings, there's truly no way to explain oneself. I would generally rely on the old saying "honesty is the best policy" if I had to give others advice on relationship problems in general. But it is human nature to take criticism very badly, particularly when the criticism comes from someone that is not a weathered superior but a trusted peer.
I wish I could end with a step by step guide for "breaking up" with a friend without causing any hurt feelings, but I can't. My real purpose was not to offer any solutions but to recognize the fact that friendships don't always last, and that they often require official termination just as much as romantic relationships do.