I Am The Rules!

ruce Venom walked the street as if he owned it, and if you were to talk to someone on the street, they'd tell you he did. He was an atypical cop on the way to a typical day at work. He'd been walking the beat for fifteen years and he'd slowly seen his childhood playground turn into a haven for all the dregs of society. Bruce entered the precinct station this Tuesday morning for his usual 9 o'clock meeting. As usual it was 10:30.

"Bruce!", hollered Captain Boyle "You're late!"

"I get more done in a single day here than you'll ever do in your whole life. Yesterday I busted thirteen muggers in the time it takes you to eat a chilli dog and two jelly donuts."

"You didn't just bust those muggers! You cut off their hands!"
"Can't you cover for me and just tell the commissioner that they were unskilled auto workers?"

"No, Bruce. This time you've gone too far."
"Why is it that one country's idea of justice is another country's idea of sick, brutal torture?"

"Damnit, Bruce, we have rules, and in my precinct, it's my duty to make sure you follow them. Now just what the hell happened down there?"

"You tell me chief. It seems you had a good view from behind your desk."
"In my hand I have several misconduct reports that I 'm going to give to the commissioner. He's not going to be happy."

"Well, I'm not happy either. I don't like you or your rules. If you want to give that report to the commissioner, you'll give it to him on my terms." With that, Bruce went over to the Captain's chair, tied his hands behind his back and strapped him in place. He took the misconduct report and placed it under the Captain's crotch. He then shoved a funnel in his mouth and poured a two litter bottle of Mountain Dew down his throat. "In twenty minutes, I don't think you'll want to touch that report, let alone hand it over to the commissioner."

Bruce stormed out of the office, as Ricky, the trainee, walked over to the coffee machine. "Hey, Bruce! How's it going?" asked Ricky.

"Chief threatened to write me up again."
"Did you do the old Mountain Dew trick?"
"Yeah. This time I think he might be serious, though."
"Well, the chief doesn't like people breaking the rules."
"Rules? I am the rules!" proclaimed Bruce.
"No, Bruce. The correct phrase is 'I am the law'. If you want to be an effective vigilante, you're going to have to learn the right things to say."

Ricky signed on as Bruce's dialogue coach, and they worked for days on eloquent vigilante catch phrases. After a week, Bruce was prepared to go back to work, and he walked down to the station at 10:30. In front of the station he was approached by a panhandler.

"Please, sir. Can you spare some change?"
"No." snapped Bruce "I don't want my money to go towards your drug habit."

"It's not for my drug habit. It's for my family."
"So you sell drugs to your family. You would turn your own children into junkies, but for what? Can't you find some other people to do your drugs with?"

"I don't do drugs I just want to feed my family."
"Now you're lying." said Bruce in a very cool manner.
"Why do you think I'm lying?"
"I know your kind. I know you're guilty."
"You can't do this to me! You're violating my rights!"
"No," said Bruce "You have no rights. You forfeited your rights when you broke the law."
"What law did I break?"
"You broke my law. The law of God. The law of man. And the law of the land."
"What are you going to do to me? Please don't kill me!"

"Oh, no. I'm not going to kill you. Take a look at yourself. I've seen the barren wasteland of your heart and stared into its cold black eyes. I can't kill you, for you've been dead since the day you were born. All I can do is rob you of your dignity. I'm going to throw you in jail. Not a state or federal jail, but the most secure jail in the world. The one I've had waiting for you in my basement. I don't care if it takes you the rest of your life. You'll learn: don't fuck with Bruce Venom." With that Bruce put a syringe loaded with tranquilizers to his neck and pushed it in. Bruce threw his limp body into the alleyway.

When Bruce returned from the alley a crowd had gathered, with looks of surprise and fear on their faces. "Nobody appreciates me anymore," said Bruce.

"How could you do that?" asked a middle aged man "You're a sick person!"
"Oh, so I'm sick. We have people harassing officers of the law to get money for buying drugs for their children, and I'm sick. That man didn't know about commitment. Now he'll learn. He'll learn to make a commitment to a cell so small, that if I let him out he'll think he's veal. As for you, mister, you'll pay. I have a blow torch, but I'm not going to use it on you, I'll use it on the ones you love."

"You can't do that to me!"
"I can either kill you or let you live. I control your life. You are just my puppet and I pull the strings. Right now, though, I have a meeting."

"Bruce, you're late!" hollered Captain Boyle. "Hope you enjoyed your little vacation. It soon might be permanent. After you left last week, I let the misconduct report dry out, and I handed it over to the commissioner. You have a hearing tomorrow night at eight o'clock. Until then, all you can do is sit at your desk eating chilli dogs and donuts. You'll see it's not that bad."

Bruce sat through the torture of being confined to his desk and eventually the hearing came around. He didn't care about being drunk or that he was showing up twenty minutes late, or that his underwear was on the outside of his pants, or that the slogan, "Kiss me, I'm Laotian" was forever tattooed on his left forearm. He knew he was finished. The hearing was proceeding without him and as he sat slumped over in his chair watching Tony Danza playing football with a heard of elephants he realized that Benzine fumes and diet pills don't mix. Eventually he heard the commissioner announce the verdict. Bruce was off the force, and the only consolation he had was being given a hefty severance package and full pension benefits. He was now free of the rules that had been keeping him from spreading law and order and mercilessly torturing criminals. As he walked out of the room Ricky came up to talk to him.

"What are you going to do now, Bruce?" he asked.
"It's time to take out the trash."