Rob's Guide to the Internet

First things first: email. Most people think they understand email. Most people are wrong. This is easily proven by the popularity of the 'alternative' rock band, Bush. You see, the problem with email is that people try to think of it in terms of either normal mail or normal, face-to-face conversations. But this can not be done, for email is actually a hybrid of the two made specifically to ruin your life. Here some important tips to keep in mind when using email:

1. If someone does not respond within ten minutes of your email, it does not mean that they hate you or have died.
2. Pyramid schemes do not work. Ever. Except for mine. For details contact me through the Journal. Unless you are a cop.
3. Never, ever, ever, forward a message that contains any kind of chain letter. Especially if you have a signature stamp at the end of your emails. Never. Ever. I swear to God, I cannot stress this enough. Tim from Australia, I didn't write the fucking thing so get off my back! 4. Don't drink grapefruit juice after brushing your teeth. It's nasty.
5. Just take another look at 3). Please. For me.
6. Realize that sarcasm can not be adequately expressed through email.

John4679@aol.com: My dearest Mary, I cannot wait for the day that we are wed.
MaryT3231@aol.com: Nor can I, my dear John. Just the thought of us together forever makes our separation bearable.
John4679@aol.com: Well, until death do us part, really.
MaryT3231@aol.com: I can't believe you just said that. I hate you
John4679@aol.com: It was a joke Mary. You know I love you. ?
MaryT3231@aol.com: I can't believe you would make a mockery of my emotions. You are a shit. And what the hell is that little smiley face you stupid computer geek.
John4679@aol.com: My life is falling apart.
MaryT3231@aol.com: I'm sending both of my older brothers to break your legs. Don't ever talk to me again.
Of course, this is an exaggeration. Mary would probably only send one of her brothers. Nonetheless, the point remains valid.

The next thing you should know about the Internet is the World Wide Web. The World Wide Web, or WWW, or as it is known to its close friends, Charlie, is a graphical interface for users of the Internet that consists of hundreds of thousands of 'pages' which are all interconnected. It is not just a place to find porn. The web can also be used to link other actors to Kevin Bacon and to set up pathetic fan sites to such infantile and talentless bands as Marilyn Manson. In general, there isn't that much of use on the web, which is why everybody spends so much time there. There are two major web browsers you can use to 'surf the web.' They are Netscape Navigator and Microsoft Internet Explorer. Netscape is a big clunky program that sucks up lots of RAM and crashes a lot. Microsoft's Internet Explorer is, in a similar fashion to all of its programs, made to run specifically with Windows95, so it relies on that to suck up RAM and crash a lot. Don't worry if you don't understand what I'm talking about; it should be obvious to most that I don't either.

There are also newsgroups, which are complicated and I'm tired so you can find out about those yourself.