Okay, when asked under oath if all of my friendships with people of the opposite sex involve some sort of attraction/sexual element, I would have to answer honestly (as my hand rests on a Bible), "yes." Maybe the element doesn't exist now but either it has in the past or it will in the future. Allow me to elaborate. The definition of friendship must first be established. We are not referring to your neighbor with whom you happen to chat when passing along the street, we are not referring to the relationship with your tutor, we are not referring to the interactions with your mailman. When using the term friendship, it is prudent to note that this indicates an actual personal association and connection. It goes beyond the borders of the classroom or workplace and extends into the realm of the telephone and outside rendez-vous. Basically, we're talking about a person with whom you share common interests and enjoy hanging out with. You know, the entire cast of "Friends" fills this version of friendship. So getting back to the point, this friendship usually has a further domain that makes it all the more enticing.

No one can seriously argue that friendships with members of the opposite sex are exactly the same as ones with those of the same gender. There are simple considerations that must be explored. For example, one would usually not extol the virtues of one tampon over another to a male friend just as one would not usually discuss the tragedies of jock itch to a female friend. Additionally, the fact of the matter is, society allows same-sexed individuals to sleep in the same bed freely while intermingling is frowned upon. But these are all minor reflections; the important issue at hand is the sexual tension that exists between male/female friendships.

Going back to an earlier statement, every one of my serious opposite sex friendships has involved a sexual element. That element may or may not be shared. What exactly is that element? Usually, it is a general attraction to that person. Some of the male friendships I've had, existed because initially there was some attraction to that individual that allowed me to be responsive to his presence. However, each friendship has had individual results. In some, the attraction diminished or dissolved (the person had a significant other already; the individual did not reiterate the sexual interest). In others, the attraction flourished or still exists. It is the mystery and curiosity that keeps the friendship interesting. Sara*, a friend, insists that no male/female friendship can exist without the attraction of one individual to the other, regardless of whether or not that attraction is reciprocated by the other. She may have a point, despite the stickiness of the suggestion. No one wants to admit that he/she is attracted to one of his/her friends. Talk about a vulnerability quotient. However, Sara's point may have credibility if there are many out there who share her opinion. Additionally, Sara's suggestion causes me to ponder my male friendships of the past or of the present that do not involve any attraction on my part. Is the attraction/sexual element existing on the other court?

Obviously, not every single one of my male friendships has involved me drooling over his biceps or scribbling hearts in my margins. Not at all. Nor do I wish to insult my current male friends by suggesting that I am only friends with these individuals because of their gender. No; rather I enjoy their presence, personality, and general comments on life. This is true no matter what my friend's gender. However, I will admit that there is some sexual element that has, does, or will exist in friendships encompassing both sexes. Perhaps that just makes it slightly more interesting, non?

In conclusion, several of these opposite-sex friendships that have been referred to have resulted in some sort of accumulation of that attraction. Yes, some sexual "relations" have taken place (What a delicate term). In all honesty, most of them have resulted in a strengthening of that friendship. One in particular allowed us to realize how wrong the attraction was and we laugh in retrospect. In another, the present time was just not right. Yet another simply boosted the egos of both of us. Another individual finding you attractive can have that effect. What was most important was the fact that we got past the sexual element and moved on. In fact, I do believe I am one of the few individuals who is against the mentality that engaging in sexual relations with a friend can ruin a friendship. Many of my friendships stand in testament to the fact that a friendship can withstand this weathering, and ride out the storm. Oh, but what fun that storm can be.

*Names have not been changed in order to exploit the identities of individuals mentioned.

© Trincoll Journal, 1995.