Gummy Madness

By Robert Churchwell

Staff Writer

ecently, out of sheer boredom and a surplus of

chewy ursine confection, I decided to hold a contest. My loving mother had recently visited me and had left me a 5 lb. bag of Brock Gummy Bears. Normally, I would have been delighted to have that much concentrated sugar, but unfortunately I had over-dosed on gummy bears as a child and could no longer stomach them in such large amounts. Left with this problem, and knowing my friends, I decided that I would ask them to help. So, in a mass mailing, I implored them to find alternative uses for my cavity-creating collection. The reward would be a signed and dated piece of paper declaring them cool in my eyes.

My friends responded, enthusiastically at first, but they ran out of ideas and soon the flood of gummy mail tapered down to a trickle. What follows is a collection of their responses. They range from the insipid to the vulgar:

String them like Christmas lights and put them all over your room.

Or (following from the above) just string them up. Hang them from the ceiling.

Get a big piece of cardboard and decorate it to look like a battle field. Find a bunch of miniature civil war-type weapons and give them to the bears. Voila! A Gettysburg diorama!

Step one Find a lot of straight pins.
Step two: Find an empty wall.
Step three: Pin all of the gummy bears to the wall right between the eyes. Have it spell out something vulgar.

Keep the bag with you at all times. Whenever you are in someone else's room, inconspicuously hide ten or twenty of them in their bed. If possible, only do it to one of the two beds in any room, and, again if possible, leave an empty gummy-bear bag in their trash (if they're individually wrapped).

You could set up an air gun with a motion detector to fire a stream of hot gummy-bears at anyone trying to enter a certain room. A muzzle velocity of around 300 m/s would be appropriate, as would concealing the device (in the ceiling, for instance). Accompany each shot with an audio recording of lesbian sex.

I think my idea is awesome. Put all the gummy bears in a big pot and melt them. Put them in a huge mold and maybe create a huge gummy bear. If someone tries to eat it maybe they'll puke and that would at least be something funny to watch. Do I win? Yesssss Yesssss I win, I am invincible!

First, inject water into each of them and then place them on the mantle outside and make bets to see which one blows up first when the water freezes inside.

Second, have a gummy bear race through the digestive system, have people swallow them whole and then the first one to have it run through their system wins!

Edible underwear

Melt them down and wax your bikini zone with that steamy goo. Teach them to skank.

Put them in the salt and pepper shakers in the cafeteria.

Apparently, putting them in a fan is cool.

Two words:

SEXUAL AID.

...like popcorn at Christmas time, string them all together in ROYGBIV order and string them across the room. Also, string them side by side to emulate holding hands in a multi cultural festival.

Make them into voodoo dolls of your enemies, then feed them to the person they are supposed to be and observe the amazing 4th dimension reaction.

Have you seen the jellybean portrait of Teflon Ron Reagan at the Smithsonian? Along those lines, I'm thinking of a sort of paint by number, or here, glue by color, to create an interpretation of... your favorite Trinity celeb. Such as yourself.

Top ten things I would do with 5 lbs. of gummy bears I didn't like:

Get some glue (like Elmer's so you can eat it) and make a three piece suit out of gummy bears. You could have a gummy tie, a gummy vest, and expensive Italian gummy shoes. Then wear it to a job interview.

Make a bong out of the gummy-mold, dude.

Well, that's about the cream of the crop. But wait! You, too, can be a part of this exciting venture! Send in your entries to me, and if I get enough results I will put up a new and improved list of what to do with a 5 lb. bag of gummy bears. Yes, that's right. I still don't really don't have anything better to do.