This whole idea irks me beyond words, even though I now know that each one of these girls is in the past. It kills me to hear him say, "I had the longest crush on her, all throughout high school, and she cheated on her boyfriend with me a couple of summers ago." My boyfriend, who looks at me with such gentle eyes, is mine, and I can't deal with the fact that he used to look at someone else with those loving eyes.

I know damn well that I can't hold him responsible for what he has done before my time. Without his previous experiences with other girls, he might not even be the same person; his ex-girls may have been a part of what made him who he is now. I might not have fallen in love with him if it weren't for all the things he had felt and done with them. I realize that, and because I know that they had an effect on him, they become a threat. It's mostly an insecurity issue and it's basically jealousy running wild. Emotions generally have no logic, and my "girls-from-the-past" phobia is a prime example of feelings without logic.

So now that I have admitted that I am an immature loser, what is the next step? Dealing with it. Do I want to know about all his ex's, or should I close my eyes and shut out my curiosity? Is it better to face the fear, or should I enjoy the bliss of ignorance? What do I do when he shows me pictures of his friends from home, and he points out a pretty girl with a big smile on her face, saying, "I used to date her. She's a cool girl?"

I have a friend who refuses to discuss any past relationships -both hers and his. She says talking about the past only creates tension and since nothing can be done about what's already happened, it ends up with unsolvable frustration. I agree that hearing stories about ex's are pretty useless, since I can't go back to his high school days and snag him from his ex's. I can't do anything about my jealousy. So, why should I subject myself to listening about him and his other women?

But maybe the fear will cease if I face the "enemy" and learn all about his past affairs. From the stories, I could learn what made him decide to leave them, decipher his code of behavior, and understand him a little better. After all, if he still had strong feelings for any of them and was draining his love to somebody else, he couldn't warm me with such loving hugs.

All I can really do is kick back and relax about the whole issue. There was a song on the radio a couple of nights ago with lyrics that summed up my feelings, "You might have had him once but I have him all the time." Ex-girlfriends are just ex girlfriends, and I am his girlfriend now. Girls from the past shouldn't scare me, because it is in my arms that he now rests and sleeps. After all, if it weren't for all his ex-girls, he wouldn't have anything to compare me with; to know that I was the best for him.

© Trincoll Journal, 1995.