So, it's that time of year again. This week's edition of Intercourse revolves around the concept of that ever present yet totally annoying holiday: Valentine's Day. Now, in theory, Valentine's Day seems like a wonderful idea. How can you go wrong? A day for couples to show each other they love them? Flowers, hearts, little cupids with little bows and little arrows? Yeah, well, I'd like to see Cupid shoot himself with that pathetic excuse for a weapon. What? Does he think those little pinpricks are going to make us fall in love? I wonder whose idea this little man was anyway? If it was a man's then, he had a lot to learn about women. The least sexy thing I've ever witnessed is a little diapered man with a bow and an arrow with a little bubbly heart for an arrowhead. Yeah, diapers. Man, that's sexy.

A few days ago, the school newspaper asked me for a quote concerning what I thought about Valentine's Day. My answer? And I quote, "Valentine's Day is just a Hallmark Holiday designed to take the spontaneity out of romance and make people without significant others miserable." Oh yes, you read that correctly. Hey, I admit. Who cares if you actually have a boyfriend or girlfriend? If you do, you're under a ton of unnecessary stress to find the "right" gift. A friend of mine told me that my gift wasn't worthy of Valentine's. Sigh. Well, I'm not great at this "on the spot romance" thing. If I see something or think of something romantic, that's great. I'll do/buy whatever it is on the spot. But, man, thinking this all up takes too much effort.

Equally important are my friends. I know, this is the last thing I should be thinking about on romance day. But, I do. I have friends that I love dearly who have no one to take them out on V-day. What can I do? Sometimes I think that the truly sadistic created Valentine's Day. Thank you Hallmark! I hope your stock increases in price this month!

Meanwhile, I think there must be alternatives to the great day. In lieu of one special, capitalistically designated day of the year to show romance, why don't couples just do things on their own? Relationships require constant attention. Being romantic only when told to do so isn't really romantic. Romance comes from surprises. Anniversaries are one thing. You get to commemorate your love. This is different. The anniversary remains personal event since the day is different for each person. Romance means thinking of the person at random odd times. Like, when the snow outside makes you want to be all warm and fuzzy with the one you love. It's times like that when romance means something.

But this Valentine's conspiracy smacks of the X-Files. Big Brother's watching over all the lovers in this world. Make sure you buy an appropriate present, or you'll be taken into Orwellian torture chamber.