Pageant hysteria is upon us anew. Through the death of Jon-Binet Ramsey we have been exposed to the darker side of beauty and talent contests. The motivation of sponsors, contestants, and their families has been closely scrutinized. I have seen examinations of them on every pulp-news magazine-talk-show rag on TV; I have read about pageant's bad effects in Time, their dubious nature has been examined in Newsweek. The critical inquiry led by the news-mongers will never change one thing, though:

Cheezy smiles, bad hair and god-awfully hideous evening wear.

Marla Maples and George Hamilton may have had the worst repartee I have ever seen. At least bring back the alcoholic hosts-- they could tell a joke. Who is writing this crap, anyway? Have they ever heard of a dress rehersal? Marla managed to mess up every introduction, cut short George's every other sentence, and look like the fool that she is, in spite of 'the Donald's' production underwriting of the evening. The numerous flubs by our emcees did not outshine those of their lovely contestants, however. No, there is nothing to compare to the ramblings of Miss Nevada, or the strong rebuke of Miss Hawaii toward Hamilton after an innane question. I have never, I must confess, seen a contestant clear up her exact lineage. Though Miss Rhode Island gleefully pointed out that she was "half Black and half Italian." I wouldn't have had it any other way.

The swim suit episode was embarrasing, performed first to some droning porn-background muzak, and then to an inspiring gospel choir which warbled: "Diversity makes our country great; You know there's hope, oooooooh Yea!" over and over(and over).

The most interesting incidents occurred between the judges and contestants, though. Like when Miss New Jersey's gown got caught on the steps and she had to yank it free to continue her graceful descent of the main stairs, we caught a glimpse of the esteemed judges smiling and squirming. The officials included Greg Gumble, "Madison," George Fekkai, a younger Andretti family member, and some washed up stars of unrated B-Movie fame. One of the main requirements has to be "must be able to hold liquor through two hour sitting," because some of the judges looked absolutely despondent and asked incoherent final questions like: "would you smoke marijuana if your doctor prescribed it for you?"

Between all the fake breasts, Marla, George, and Miss Hawaii's triumphal acceptance of the crown (and, incidently, the one week all expense trip to Hawaii ) I was struck by the fact that this utter glorification of the very pageants that got us into the discussion about Jon-Binet in the first place.